I have discovered the fish I most resemble when I try to put on makeup. It is the red lipped bat fish, a deep water fish of the Galapagos, seen above, in profile, and below, in full frontal glory.
Saturday, May 23, 2015
Thursday, May 21, 2015
I feel like a queen mother. My son, 10, is reading the last stanza of a poem written for his school's Memorial Day celebration. He has it memorized. He's got this. He's all that -- a reciter of poetry -- and a bag of chips with a side of chicken-product nuggets, which are his favorite food (a mother weeps) and the wearer of hair gel, with a nascent interest in deodorant "for my pits, Mom."
My question is, What should a queen mother wear? I have a bureau full of mom jeans, and yoke-necked t-shirts, and not a scrap appropriate for My Son Reads A Poem. Where is my all-feather ball gown? Where is my gilded shrug?
This -- the public reading of a poem -- is a rite of passage. Babies don't recite poems, they babble, therefore my son is no longer a baby. He's seeking the pale enchanted gold of the 4th grade.
I'm capturing my proud and nervous (will my hambone recite it cowboy style?) queen mother tears in the old embroidered linen hanky I found in my great-grandmother's seed-pearl-beaded purse called a reticule that I inherited, and my dad said she had him reciting long passages of Shakespeare by the time he was twelve.
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
I'm as muscle-bound and stiff as a genetically modified bull. Run, Pamplona! But I don't run. Unless this very specific situation presents itself to me -- raging forest fire behind me and pastry shop with a sale on cream puffs in front of me -- and it never has.
I'm middle-aged with a host of early-onset osteoarthritis. I have a pit crew, and assistive devices. Yes, I've tried yoga, mostly for no other reason than because I like to say trikanasana. It sounds like a swear word and I get to say ass.
But yoga makes me feel sorry for myself as my drishti drifts to other people's heart-shaped asses, and taught triceps, and I get really whiney about my batwings, and I feel trapped not only in my degenerating body, but in my mind which starts to circle the drain.
Boohooo, I sniff to myself, assuming child's pose, my vertebrae are losing vertebral height, baa-waaah, Sheila over there in her Lululemon shorts looks like one million bucks. I bet she's gaining vertebral height. My judgements and fantasies slither and caress past each other like a pit full of snakes.
Monday, May 18, 2015
The mister and I have had an ongoing kerfuffle regarding A/C. He's pro. I'm like, "AC air smells odd. Muffled. Stale. Dead mall atrium." He's like, "Really? Dead mall-atrium? Must you always be so dramatic and precise?"
"I don't like fake air forced through ducts a person can't clean," I say. "Besides, 'ducts,' is a disturbing word. It is one of my least favorite words." "And I love the sounds of summer. When all the windows are closed and the AC is on I feel removed from the entire world like a museum butterfly pinned on velvet."
He face palms. "Sounds of summer?" He says, "You mean the early-morning bird racket? You mean the neighbor's forever lawnmower?"
"No," I say, "The sound of sunlight warming the pine needles and making them smell like the south of France. Like how I imagine the south of France smells."
We've reached an agreement. I stay outside, in the south of France, sweating, beads forming on the outside of my glass. He gazes out, inside, from Antarctica.
Saturday, May 16, 2015
Jockey silks (which I saw on my semi-seedy pre-#Preakness Pimlico Race Track tour, which is Number 1 on my Top Ten Things I Kinda Am Alright About Baltimore) are so beautiful and medieval and blindingly colorful.
The jockeys, those little men (and I'm talking directly to you, Victor Espinoza -- best of luck on #AmericanPharoah on the inside rail) remind me of knights atop their war horses if they had had a drab cinderblock locker room instead of a nice Round Table in stories that were swoon-inducingly read to me by my mom who, in the late '70s, had a King Arthur phase, as retold by John Steinbeck in his only work of fantasy literature.
Uther Pendragon. How come no one has named a horse that?
Secretariat's 1973 run is still the Preakness track record. I learned that on my tour. I also learned that racing saddles are as thin as a feminine napkin so those jockeys are going 45 miles an hour basically bareback (imagine the strength of their chicken thighs) with sand flying everywhere from the hooves of the bolting horses in front of them mucking up their goggles so they can hardly see, so they wear multiple pairs of goggles and as one gets dirty, they fling them off, and continue, mounting up with wings as eagles, and...oh good gracious, I've lathered myself into a Chariots of Fire moment complete with the soundtrack from Vangelis. Sorry.
The Triple Crown races are the best collective six sports minutes of the year for me.
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
The lilac tree next to my neighbor's house is in full bloom and smelling like wonderful witchy dowager grandmothers despite being choked with the vines of upstart honeysuckle.
I walked up to it the lilac to take in a sweet lungful of violet-scented air and saw... three stunning robin's egg blue eggs in a robin's nest in the lilac's branches.
Robins! Spring! Renewal! Isn't it dandy? My heart feels like a candy box. The May clouds look like marshmallow fluff.
The mother robin, brooding as all mothers do, looked me in the eye, like, "Back off, you featherless two-footed clod," and I looked into the pissed off eye of the mother robin and said, "Tell me about it."
Monday, April 27, 2015
I have the MTHFR gene mutation. Zoo-wee-mama! as Jeff Kinney says in The Diary of Wimpy Kid. Oooga. Oooga. (That's the sound of a submarine's alarm.)
It means I marinate in stress hormones like adrenaline even "at rest" "under a palm tree" with a "umbrella drink in hand." It's just how I'm wired. I'm wired to be concerned the warm breeze causing the palm fronds to undulate might be the front edge of a tsunami.
I don't have to seek out adrenaline like a junkie by swimming with sharks off Australia or kayaking in Antarctica impersonating Ernest Shackleton, adrenaline finds me drying the wet brunch dishes with a dish towel and worrying about catastrophe.
The adventure of a lifetime begins with whitewater rafting in my prefrontal cortex.